This is the Fake News for the week of October 9, 2016!
This week we cover the latest news from the WWE, including Vince McMahon's return to television production, the premier of Total Bellas, the latest from RAW, and SmackDown Live's go home show before No Mercy.
What’s going on, internet? My name is Doc Manson, and you’re listening to the fake wrestling news.
This week, in our top story, we follow up on news that Vincent Kennedy McMahon has returned to WWE television tapings in the wake of his quad injury and the recent low ratings. Insiders tell us that the billionaire CEO has been absolutely livid with both RAW and Smackdown Live for failing to draw larger audiences in the months following the WWE brand extension. McMahon insists that the root of the issue is that WWE creative has been unable to connect with modern audiences in a meaningful way with their characters and storylines. While this is sound reasoning, you know it’s bad when the advocate of the mainstream audience in your company is a 71-year-old billionaire recluse.
Beyond the issues with creative direction, McMahon has also taken umbrage with the lack of live WWE wrestling from Thursday to Saturday nights. The business savvy billionaire believes that there simply isn’t enough wrestling currently in the market, given that two weekends a month currently lack pay-per-view style live events. Sources say that McMahon will target these underutilized time slots through the addition of a third brand. That’s just what we need right now! More wrestling!
New docu-series Total Bellas premiered this past week on E!. The series is a spin-off from the other WWE docu-series, Total Divas, but it exclusively follows the lives of the Bella twins, Brie and Nikki, following Nikki’s major neck surgery last year. The show also features Daniel Bryan and John Cena, both of whom must constantly question all their life choices.
For those unfamiliar with the reality television versions of the Bella twins, Nikki is the mean-spirited, squawky one that is obsessed with designer fashion, and Brie, well Brie, is the other one. She likes the earth, and… not showering. Put them both in a room with Big Johnny, the famed People Power General Manager of RAW that also happens to be bumping uglies with the Bella twins’ mom, and let’s just see what wackiness ensues!
This week on RAW, Braun Strowman won yet another squash match against yet another no name competitor. After the match, Strowman was interviewed by Byron Saxton, who asked the giant competitor what challenge he was seeking to conquer next. In response, Strowman stroked his beard and appeared contemplative for several long moments, before eventually answering that he’d like to take up crotchet. Strowman has his eye on a nice pattern for a beard cozy to complement the cool Fall weather. We look forward to seeing the finished product in the upcoming weeks.
The Weekly Wrestling News is sponsored by Pennsylvania Dutch Rocking Chairs. Yes, that’s Pennsylvania Dutch Rocking Chairs – So sturdy, even a rage filled viper can’t break them!
Following up on the topic of low ratings for RAW, the WWE returned to the celebrity guest host format this week, featuring Ashton Kutcher and that other guy, with the beard, who was on that show with him once. You really have to admire the WWE for returning to the guest host trope given that it has never helped them with ratings in the past. That is utter, blind commitment to beating a horse long after it has expired. Seriously, no more guest hosts. That horse is no more. It has ceased to be. Its metabolic processes are now history. It’s kicked the bucket. It’s shuffled off his mortal coil and run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It is an ex- horse.
This week on RAW, Jericho continued making THE LIST OF JERICHO. Added to THE LIST this week were all three members of the New Day and, at the behest of WWE Universal champion Kevin Owens, Xavier Woods was added to THE LIST not once but twice. We’re not sure whether Jericho’s list can continue as a gimmick through this holiday season, but, if IT can, we are looking forward to the battle of the naughty lists on the Christmas episode of RAW this year.
Speaking of Xavier Woods and Kevin Owens, Owens urged Woods be added to the List of Jericho after an exchange between the two in which Owens accused the New Day of jumping the shark and Woods responded by asking when was the last time Owens jumped over anything. As hilarious as weight shaming can be, we’re receiving reports that Owens has taken the comment very seriously and has reportedly decided that he will attempt to jump over Springfield gorge on his skateboard. We go now to live footage from the scene of the jump.
*Insert Springfield Gorge – Simpsons clip audio*
Our second sponsor this week is a company called Tap Out. I’m not overly familiar, but I think they may sell some sort of athletic clothing, or possibly nutrient supplements. Honestly, their ad copy isn’t exactly clear. All I can say is, for a company whose primary video spokespersons are Alicia Fox and Dolph Ziggler, the name Tap Out might just be a little too on the nose.
This week on Smackdown Live, Bray Wyatt lost yet another match against the Devil’s Favorite Demon, Kane. With yet another impressive singles loss, we here at the fake news cannot help but wonder how long Bray Wyatt can keep up his vaunted, once-in-a-lifetime streak of losing every single feud he’s ever been a part of. Come on, Bray. We’re all pulling for you!
Speaking of Wyatt, the mind games between Bray and Randy Orton continued this week as the Eater of Worlds found himself temporarily locked inside a shipping container by the Viper. Wyatt was eventually freed when WWE creative realized that Hell in a Cell is a RAW-exclusive event and thus this segment was a waste of perfectly good foreshadowing.
Smackdown Live’s Intercontinental Champion, The Miz, hosted a special edition of MizTV this week, featuring his opponent at No Mercy, Dolph Ziggler. During the segment, the Miz premiered a Dolph-umentary, featuring highlights from Ziggler’s career, including his time as a member of the male cheerleading group, the Spirit Squad, and from Ziggler’s WWE debut as Kerwin White’s caddy. For those of you that don’t remember, former WWE superstar Chavo Guerrero was given a character gimmick in which he portrayed a white, suburbanite golf pro. Yes, fans, there was a time when WWE took a member of the most famous Mexican wrestling family in the history of the sport and turned him into a WASP-y golfer. World Wrestling Entertainment – Fun for the whole family! Provided, of course, that your family enjoys racial whitewashing! Fun for the whole family!
Also on Smackdown Live this week, the Irish Lass-kicker and Smackdown Women’s Champion Becky Lynch came to the rescue of Nikki Bella, saving Nikki from a double-team beat down by Alexa Bliss and Carmella. This was a truly character defining moment for the new Women’s champion, showing that Becky is a strong enough person that she is willing to overlook and forgive all of the Team Bella hostility that she had to endure last year. Unfortunately, this moment also served to remind us that wrestling is scripted, because, as we all know, in real life, a woman never forgives.
And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, we have reached the end of yet another episode of the Weekly Wrestling News! Until next time, this is your host, Doc Manson, signing off!
The Weekly Wrestling News is a satirical take on the week of news from the world of professional wrestling. Think of it as being like the Daily Show, but made by way less talented people (Doc Manson).
The News primarily covers WWE, NXT, TNA, Lucha Underground, and ROH, mostly in that order, and has been known to skewer the likes of Vince McMahon, Triple H, John Cena, and Nikki Bella. If you have 15 minutes a week to laugh at the things you love, check us out! You can hear all the rest of our podcasts here, or on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, or your podcast directory of choice!
Remember, we make fun because we love!