This is the Fake News for the week of October 16, 2016!
This was a big week for news in the world of professional wrestling. We cover the return of Goldberg to the WWE, the return of Mickie James to NXT, the announcement of the first women’s division Hell in a Cell, and the continued collapse of TNA.
Weekly Wrestling News Ep. 7 – Full Transcript
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet. My name is Doc Manson and you’re listening to the fake wrestling news!
In our top story this week, it has been announced that Goldberg will be returning to the WWE and it has become clear that the returning superstar is on a collision course with the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar. The feud is an extension of Goldberg’s last feud in the WWE, which culminated in the legendary match between himself and Lesnar at WrestleMania 20. And by legendary, I mean garbage fire.
We here at the Weekly Wrestling News can’t help but suspect that the return is really just elaborate cross promotional branding for the video game WWE 2K17, in which both Lesnar and Goldberg have been prominently featured. Still, it’s hard to dismiss the return of this wrestling veteran as mere nostalgia. After all, over the course of the past 12 years, Goldberg has remained active in the world of professional wrestling. For instance, he, uh, well, he appeared once in 2015 to deliver his finishing maneuvers against Scott Steiner, and, uh, oh! Goldberg appeared a second time in early 2016 to, uh, again, spear Scott Steiner… Look, I’m sure that Goldberg is in excellent physical condition and will put on an absolute clinic in the ring against Brock Lesnar. WWE has never failed us before. And certainly not in this exact same manner with these exact same wrestlers. It’ll be fine.
And now, the fake wrestling headlines that you care about!
Billy Corgan, front man for the alternative rock band the Smashing Pumpkins, sued Total Nonstop Action, the company for which he is also the current President. A temporary restraining order was approved, and Billy Corgan filed a bond to support it today. A hearing for a temporary injunction has been scheduled for Thursday, October 20th at 11:30am local time, and Corgan has requested a six-person jury to decide the case. We asked Harvard educated attorney David Otunga for his expert opinion on the matter. Otunga indicated that it is not mere coincidence that 6 jurors were requested, given that this is one juror for each side of the TNA ring. Otunga speculates that Corgan is planning to facilitate a favorable verdict by implementing a classic example of the famed lumberjack injunction.
WWE announced on Twitter that RAW star Sin Cara has officially signed on to be a part of the Cruiserweight division. We here at the fake wrestling news have absolutely no idea what this actually means, given that Sin Cara was already signed by RAW, the brand which hosts the cruiserweight division, and given that Sin Cara already fit into the weight restrictions required by said division. Congratulations? I guess?
R-Truth debuted a new gimmick on RAW this week, standing in as a living embodiment of product placement by offering a Pay Day candy bar to Chris Jericho in an otherwise extraneous and completely pointless backstage segment. This suggests a terrifying new reality is upon us, a reality in which the only way television revenue can be increased is by such blatant and shameless forms of advertising. Amongst the backstage production crew, stories were circulated indicating that if you’re real quiet, somewhere in the distance you can hear the faint, ghostly sound of Vince McMahon laughing, literally all the way to the bank. *insert Vince McMahon laughter*
The following is a Public Service Announcement! Following his tag match with Randy Orton against the Wyatt family, Kane disappeared from the Smackdown Live ringside area, and has not been seen since. Kane’s only surviving family, his brother the Undertaker, is reportedly very worried regarding Kane’s whereabouts. We are asking that if anyone out there has information related to Kane’s disappearance, please forward that information to firstname.lastname@example.org and all credible tips will be forwarded to the proper authorities.
In NXT news, Japanese superstar Hideo Itami was injured this past week, after being on the receiving end of a poorly executed power slam by developmental wrestler, Riddick Moss. Between this injury and his inclusion in the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team classic, we’re not sure which development was worse for Itami’s singles career.
At No Mercy, Dolph Ziggler did the impossible and actually won a match, defeating the Miz to become the Intercontinental champion. Later in the same show, Bray Wyatt also did the impossible and won his match against Randy Orton. This is a sign that Smackdown Live is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. What I mean is old testament, real wrath of god type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky. Rivers and seas boiling. 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanos. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice. Dogs & Cats living together. Mass hysteria!
Smackdown Live women’s champion Becky Lynch was unable to compete at No Mercy this past weekend in her title defense match against Alexa Bliss, citing an injury that was unrelated to in-ring competition. Online rumors have suggested that Becky Lynch may have been suffering from a flair up related to irritable bowel syndrome, a condition that she has acknowledged suffering from in the past. Although wrestling fans often joke about it, this elevates to a whole new level the concept of a match being nothing more than a bathroom break.
History was made on RAW this week! Women’s Champion Sasha Banks challenged former champion Charlotte to a title match inside the satanic steel structure known as Hell in a Cell, setting the stage for what is likely to be the first women’s main event at a WWE pay-per-view style event. Historically speaking, this is the first time since the Diva’s revolution that the women have had a major feud shown the same amount of limited creative care that regularly occurs in the men’s divisions. Truly, this is a great accomplishment and a huge step forward for the women’s division as a whole.
This bring us to a brand new segment here on the Weekly Wrestling News, which we call, “The Shoot.”
Let us consider the multitude of nonsensical developments which occurred on Monday Night RAW around the women’s division. Sasha, the newly crowned women’s champion, issued a rematch challenge to Charlotte. Charlotte, who undoubtedly has a rematch clause which she intended to cash in anyway. Sasha, with her history of back injuries, demanded that this rematch occur inside Hell in a Cell, the structure renowned within the WWE for causing injury and shortening people’s careers. The reason that was given? To set historical precedent. Creative is literally asking us to ignore the history and the long, bitter rivalry these two have shared, perfect justification for a Hell in a Cell match, and instead asked us to believe that these superstars want to have this match both to make history and out of mutual respect for one another as competitors. Oh, and let’s throw Roman Reigns and Rusev into this segment as well, just to underscore that this historical women’s main event is somehow comparable to the current men’s mid-card feud. Truly, we have witnessed history in the making.
And now, the fake wrestling headlines you care about.
WWE announced on Twitter this week that the NXT Women’s Champion, Asuka, would face the returning Mickie James at NXT TakeOver: Toronto on November 19th. How bad is the NXT women’s division that they have to go ten years into the past to find competition for Asuka? Someone needs to tell the New Day that creative stole their time machine. Our backstage sources report that Dana Brooke is extremely thrilled by Mickie’s return. Dana, who is tired of being the butt of every joke in the WWE Women’s division, is hopeful that Mickie will quickly regain her on-screen persona of Piggy James.
For those that don’t remember Mickie, she debuted as the crazed lesbian stalker of Trish Stratus, which is widely regarded as one of the best women’s feuds of all time. Really. Before the Women’s Revolution, this was the kind of stuff that was hailed as pinnacle storytelling. Mickie was also the real life fiancé of Spirit Squad member Kenny, before allegedly having an affair with John Cena, resulting in the end of his marriage and producing the sociopathic monster that we now see every week on Total Bellas.
Speaking of Total Bellas, be sure to tune in this week, to watch Nikki Bella attempt to do laundry by herself for the first time in her life. Wackiness ensues when the clueless women’s wrestler shrinks an entire load of laundry, including a pair of John Cena’s signature jean shorts. In related news, on Smackdown Live this week, Nikki Bella debuted brand new ring gear, coming out for her match dressed in a pair of daisy duke-style jean shorts. No word yet on where Nikki obtained this fashionable new attire.
And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, we have reached the end of yet another episode of the Weekly Wrestling News! Until next time, this is your host, Doc Manson, signing off!
The Weekly Wrestling News is a satirical take on the week of news from the world of professional wrestling. Think of it as being like the Daily Show, but made by way less talented people (Doc Manson).
The News primarily covers WWE, NXT, TNA, Lucha Underground, and ROH, mostly in that order, and has been known to skewer the likes of Vince McMahon, Triple H, John Cena, and Nikki Bella. If you have 15 minutes a week to laugh at the things you love, check us out! You can hear all the rest of our podcasts here, or on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, or your podcast directory of choice!
Remember, we make fun because we love!